Monday, September 19, 2011

Changes

It's so strange looking back at how my life was a year ago.

A year ago I had just withdrawn from my internship and was looking at a completely uncertain future.  I was sleeping extremely odd hours, living on my computer, and drowning myself in semi-bad movies and tvshows on Netflix.  I wasn't even sure if I wanted to teach anymore, my confidence and faith in the educational world was shot.  I stopped looking to the future and just focused on the moment.  I threw myself into writing and ended up writing a fairly bad book with loads of potential.  Maybe I'll go back to it someday, we'll see.  Right now it just reminds me too much of how depressed and hopeless I felt at the time.  I'm not sure if anyone really knew what I was going through.  I suppose if anyone knows all the details it would be my sister, Elinore, or my friend, Nicole.  I pretty much only talked to them.

I pulled myself out of that funk and got back to my normal self after I decided to stick with teaching and started a new internship at a different school.  My new supervising teacher, Molly, was amazing.  Her attitudes and methods in the classroom showed me that I really could do this.  So, if you're reading this - Thank you Molly for everything you did for me, I was terrified when I first walked into your classroom, but after thirty seconds of talking to you I felt at ease.  Working with you and learning from you was truly rewarding for me.  Thank you.

Alright, back to what I was getting at:  A year ago I wasn't sure I would end up with a teaching degree, I had a boyfriend I thought I would marry soonish (whenever he actually asked me), I had two parents, I didn't think I'd ever leave the country again any time soon (I'd been in London for a week in July and thought that would be my last time out of the states in several years), and the future was looking rather grim.

Now, it's completely different:  I have my teaching degree and certificate, I'm single (and probably will be for awhile, which is a first in about five years....), my mother passed away on September 4th (May she rest in peace, more on that in a minute), I'm probably leaving the country in about two weeks (for at least a year, if not longer...), and the future is looking really bright.

Now, I may seem rather heartless to have spoken about my mother in such a casual manner, but, I've shed most of my tears.  We haven't had the funeral service yet, it's this Friday, but I've already said my goodbyes.  I'm sure I'll cry again at the service, the thought of the service makes me want to cry.  My mother and I didn't always see eye to eye and we haven't really been close the past few years.  She had a few mental problems that caused her to try and use people, and in so doing she'd push people away once they realized what she was doing.  Because of this she was virtually alone when she passed and that tears me to pieces.  I spent all of August planning to stop by and see her, but I never did, the thought of spending time with her was unpleasant.  But, now I wonder why, well, actually, I know why, but, really, it wouldn't have hurt me to stop in for a few minutes.

She probably didn't even know I was still in the area.  The last time we really talked (back in June) things were different.  She didn't know I was now single or that I was planning to go teach over in South Korea.  Actually, I was definitely going to go see her before I left, I just wish I had done that sooner.  I'm sure she knows now, but I just wish I had stopped in to tell her.  I'm sure I'm going to regret that for the rest of my life.

My sister is taking everything harder than me I think, we both have a lot of complicated feelings.  Love, hate, sadness, relief, pain, guilt.  They're all there, and I really don't know when they'll be gone.

Oh, I did say she passed away on September 4th, but if you notice dates you can see my last post (About Me) was on September 8th and I didn't mention her.  One very good reason for that - we didn't find out until September 9th.  The police found her on September 8th and finally tracked my Aunt Diana down on September 9th.

I got the phone call from my grandfather, Apple Jack, (Dad's father) Aunt Diana had called him and we were supposed to get the keys and meet with the detective.  I felt so unreal going over there, it was as if I was separated from the world.  I was extremely calm as I talked to the detective, I didn't even feel upset when my dad arrived.  Finally the detective left and we started looking things over and deciding what to do.  It wasn't until I called Publix to say I wouldn't be coming in this week that it all hit me.  I was talking to my Assistant Customer Service Manager, Lisa, and I just started bawling.  I cried even harder when Dad and I went home and we told my sister, Elinore.

As long as I stay busy and don't dwell on it too much I'm fine.  Knowing that I'll be leaving in a few weeks to go to South Korea certainly helps.  The only silver lining I can find in all of this is that it happened before I left.

The obituary will be in Tuesday's paper.  I wrote a very rough version of it and my grandmother, Kay-Kay, (Dad's mother) cleaned it up for me.  She knew what it should say because she reads the obituary pages so much.

I'll put the link to the obituary or put a copy up here on Tuesday.  The service is on Friday at Barrancas National Cemetery in Pensacola.  I'm not sure what family members will be in attendance, but it's going to be a full military funeral.  I'm saying the eulogy and there will be an honor guard.  I'm sure she'd like that, she always considered her time in the military as one of the best times in her life.

Mom, I miss you.  I hope you're happy now and no longer in pain.

And, on a happier note, my documents are in South Korea and I should have my Visa Confirmation Number by the end of this week or early next week.

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